Weighing in on the Oscars

You didn't actually think that I could let the Academy Awards come and go and not comment, did you?

I don't know if I go along with the Oscars being "The Super Bowl for Women," but it's definitely "The Super Bowl for Movie Lovers," and I am a "dyed in the wool" Filmophile, so I look forward to this event every year. Did I not call The Hurt Locker as Best Picture last year even before it was nominated? Yes, I did.

I love the Red Carpet, the cheesy production numbers (who can forget Rob Lowe singing Proud Mary with Snow White?) and all of the energy and, yes, flubs that live television can produce (remember the streaker and David Niven's quick response?). So it was with the usual excitement that I sat down on the couch in my Academy Award finery with my flute of champagne to watch the stars razzle and dazzle.

And then...thud.

Not only did I lose the family competition by one (I had 17 out of 24 which is darn good, I think, but not enough to beat my son's 18), but the show was boring. Now I know it has a general reputation for being boring to those of you who do not follow the world of movies religiously. But it was even boring for me. And when I say boring, I mean borrrrrr.....ring!!!! And Anne Hathaway and James Franco as hosts were even worse than Letterman (who can forget "Uma...Oprah...Oprah...Uma?).

What struck me at the outset was the lack of production numbers, which, as I said, I actually look forward to. Everything just seemed rushed from one award to the next. And yet...it still was three hours long. How was that possible?

Anyway, here are my awards for this year's Academy Awards.

• Most Missed Award. There was a reason why Billy Crystal's entrance was greeted with huge applause. The show needed him. It makes me laugh just thinking of what he would have said after Melissa Leo's expletive or when Kirk Douglas wouldn't leave the stage. That kind of show needs someone with a quick wit and great sense of humor to make the most of those flubs and stomach-churning moments and keep the show rolling along.

• The Award for Most Mystifying Moment. Please tell me why Anne Hathaway sang "On My Own" to Hugh Jackman followed by James Franco coming out dressed as Marilyn Monroe? How many people even knew he was dressed as Marilyn? Were we supposed to get that?

• The Bob Who? Award. If Anne and James were there to attract the "young demographic," why bring Bob Hope into the mix? No one younger than 40 probably even knew who he was. And it was just a reminder to us older folks how much fun the show used to be when he was on!

• The "Nobody Cares About the Irving Thalberg Award" Award. This is one of the big moments for someone in the movie business, and I didn't even realize Francis Ford Coppola had won it. Granted I was drinking the requisite champagne, but there he was, lumped in with Jean Luc Godard and Eli Wallach, who won Honorary Awards, and not one of them was allowed to give a speech! That is outrageous!

• The Most Boring Red Carpet Award. I have always enjoyed the Red Carpet and trash talking the TV as the dresses paraded by. And now we have even been robbed of this innocent pastime. With all of the stars now having stylists, no one looks bad anymore...and what fun is that?

• The Dead AND Forgotten Award. Cory Haim was left out of the In Memoriam segment AGAIN, first at the SAG Awards and again at the Oscars. What's the deal? He was a talented young actor who starred in Lucas and The Lost Boys. Peter Graves and Betty Garrett also didn't make the cut. Don't they qualify as much as Pierre Guffroy or Edward Limato?

• The Twit Tweets Award. Can you believe that James Franco was tweeting all during the show? I noticed it as Anne and he first came out and then I thought "Isn't that cute? He's so excited to be on the Oscars that he is tweeting it." But then he not only kept doing it, he showed his lack of excitement by sleepwalking through the rest of the show! There was speculation that he was doing more than tweeting backstage, if you know what I mean.

• The Award for Most Cringeworthy Moment. Kirk Douglas. Kirk, Kirk, Kirk. It takes quite an ego to prolong the agony for what is probably the biggest night of an actor's life. He must not have seen Helena Bonham Carter's face as he kept saying, "You know..." every time he went to announce Best Supporting Actress. She looked like she was thinking, "You bloody Yank. Get on with it!" And then they couldn't get him off the stage.

• Best Cringe-inducing Speech. Melissa Leo's speech was a spectacle right up there with Sacheen Littlefeather and Jack Palance's one-armed pushups!

And finally, the award for Best New Library Star goes to....POLARIS!

If you haven't already heard, the new star of our show is Polaris. And it has all of the pizzazz, glamour and fast pace that the Oscars lacked.

This new computer system will have the ability to freeze holds during our customer's vacations so they won't lose their place in the queue, create reading lists, get better search results, and more.

Classes will be held in community libraries to introduce customers to all of the cool features Polaris has to offer and Webinar Preview Sessions will be available on Monday, March 21 at 2:30pm and 7:00pm. Email tkhau@sno-isle.org to register.

So stay-tuned for all of the excitement Polaris will bring.

We promise. Nothing boring or cringeworthy. Just a valuable 21st century community resource that will give our customers a more powerful library experience.

I wish that last Academy Awards show could say the same thing.